Writing Samples

From Los Angeles:

JOE and BETTY are arguing.

JOE: I just want to have my own life.

BETTY: I don’t make you feel--

JOE: That’s not what I-

BETTY: --like you have a life.

JOE: --I’m saying.

JOE and BETTY: What are you saying?

JOE: Listen, just because I don’t want to spend every fucking waking moment with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

BETTY: Sure, you just need to get away from me?

JOE: Yes, I need to get away from you.

BETTY: You’re such an asshole.

JOE: Jesus.

BETTY : You treat me like shit.

JOE: I’m not trying to treat you—

BETTY: (bursts into tears) You treat me like shit.

JOE: --like shit. (Pause.) It’s not that I need to get away from you, per se, I just need to spend time with people who aren’t you. I need to spend time with people in addition to you.

BETTY: You mean you wanna see other people?

JOE: No, this isn’t a break-up. I just want to hang out with friends. I don’t see anybody but you every day.

BETTY: What’s wrong with that?

JOE: Nothing. I just need to see other faces.

BETTY: Why don’t you go out…

JOE: That’s what I’m talking about.

BETTY: …with me? We’ll go out with other people.

JOE: That would defeat the purpose.

BETTY: Why?

JOE: Because I wanna have a life outside of you. Outside of us.

BETTY: Why?

JOE: Oh my God!

BETTY: What?

JOE: I gotta go.

BETTY: No.

JOE: I’m going!

JOE leaves. BETTY cries.

BETTY is crying.

BETTY: You mother fucker.

JOE: I’m sorry.

BETTY: You mother fucker!

JOE: I think it’s just me. I’m going through a lot of shit right now.

BETTY: Oh, I know it’s you. I’m wicked.

JOE: (genuinely) I know.

BETTY: I’m an amazing girlfriend.

JOE: I know you are.

BETTY: (another burst of tears) Then why? (She sobs as JOE comes over and hugs her.)

JOE: You’re the one who wants to break up.

BETTY: You don’t respond to me anymore.

JOE: I’m just not very happy about life right now.

BETTY: I can make you happy.

JOE: I don’t know if that’s true.

BETTY: Well fine, go. (Pause.)

JOE: Are you sure?

BETTY : No. Don’t go.

JOE: I don’t-

BETTY: Get the fuck out of here!

JOE: Okay. (He starts to walk away. She tugs on his jacket.)

BETTY: Don’t leave me! Not yet! Please!

JOE: You broke up with me, remember?

BETTY: I know, but I don’t want you to go.

JOE: I have to.

BETTY: No, you don’t. Stay with me. We’ll be happy.

JOE: You’re not happy in this relationship. You’re only remembering the good times right now.

BETTY: I know.

JOE: There are many reasons this is happening.

BETTY: I know. (She starts crying again.)

JOE: I’m sorry. (JOE starts to cry uncontrollably and hugs her.) I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m fucken sorry, baby. I don’t know how these things happen.

BETTY: Me either.

Back To Top

From Childhood:

SAMSON and ROLSON are chilling with LUIS, 13.

LUIS:
Puta.

SAMSON
Puta.

ROLSON
You shouldn’t teach him that, Luis.

LUIS
Shut the fuck up, Rolly. I’m teaching him important information.

SAMSON
Yeah, puta.

SAMSON and LUIS start laughing.

LUIS
It’s good, man. But you have to have more attitude. You know, like…. Puta!

SAMSON
Yeah. I like that shit. Puta!

ROLSON
Puta means bitch.

SAMSON
Bro, I know what it means. I’m Spanish now.

LUIS
Si, vato. You’re going to be the first nigger with a perfect Spanish accent.

SAMSON
Yo, man. Cool on that n-word shit.

LUIS
I’m just saying, man. It’ll be fucking hype, yo.

SAMSON
I know what you’re saying, but I’m just saying cool that shit.

ROLSON
Did you guys see the Blue Jays ga—

LUIS
Esse, why you gotta make an issue outta fucking bullshit?

SAMSON
What if I just started calling you a spic bitch for no reason—

LUIS
Fucking puta.

SAMSON
You’re a fucking puta!

LUIS
What did you say!?

ROLSON
Guys.

SAMSON
Your mother’s a puta, yo.

LUIS grabs SAMSON quickly and they start to wrestle. ROLSON tries to break up the fight and ends up being pushed on the ground. He starts crying. They continue to wrestle, never noticing.

Back To Top

From Half-Chinx Retaking Over the World:

YANG: Now here is the perfect time to raise an interesting point. Since Yoko’s Japanese, can Sean technically be a half-Chink? Shouldn’t he be a half-Jap? And come to think of it-

YING: I’m glad you brought this up. Ladies and gentlemen, there has been a tad of controversy surrounding the half-Chink title. For the record, our world conquest effort is not limited to fractionally Chinese entertainment icons. We gladly welcome all our mathematically ethnic brothers and sisters from Japan, Thailand, Korea-

YANG: Etcetera etcetera.

YING: We are all equals together in our battle against Whitey. (Quick pause.) With that said however, Kristin’s bootie is exclusively the property of me and Yang. You ready to earn Kristin’s love? (YING starts to inhale deeply.)

YANG: You?

YING: Am I what?

YANG: What?

YING: Ready?

YANG: For what?

YING: Huh?

YANG: What?

YING: Look at this. (YING presses a button. Another hot photo of Kristin is shown on the screen. YANG looks at the picture and faints.) Dumbass. (He looks at the photo of Kristin and passes out. They both get up and YING quickly shuts off the slide projector.)

Back To Top

The Half-Chinx Hip Hop Anthem:

[insert hip hop beat]

It’s time for Kill Whitey, the Caucasian invasian
The revolution solution from all the half-Asians
Who are burstin’ down the gates of the fortress of whiteness,
Takin’ no prisoners, fuckin’ politeness.

We’re getting what you got until we got it all locked up,
Experience chalked up, the weapons are stocked up.
Keanu and the gang are repossessin’ the culture.
We’re pecking at your skull like a corpse by a vulture.

Then there’s David Usher. He increases the pressure.
His music takes your mind, he takes the women for pleasure.
And we got Superman. Dean Cain’s taking Teri
To pleasure unparalleled - without any sharing.

And just when you think it’s safe to stop hidin’,
Tiger’s taken golf and actually made it excitin’!
He’ll only be the champ for like the next 50 years,
While all the other white-ass golfers keep on sippin’ their beers.

Cuz the Half-Chinx are taking over the world….

Back To Top