Blank Stage

Aaron and Alison tear into each other on stage, until they realize their mistake...

Blank Stage was written by Robin Archer, and will be opening the show. Darryl Hinds is hilarious in this one.

Excerpt:

Alison: Hey

Aaron: 'Sup?

Alison: Your shoe's untied.

Aaron: Is it?

Alison: Yes.

Aaron: Really?

Alison: Yes.

pause

Alison: It is. Why would I lie about that?

Aaron: Because you're an

Darryl: EXPLETIVE DELETED!

Alison: A what?

Aaron: An

Darryl: EXPLETIVE DELETED!

Alison: Who the

Darryl: EXPLETIVE DELETED!

Alison: do you think you are?

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The Movie

Coming soon...

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The Driving Test

What happens when you and your driving test instructor have a history?

The Driving Test was first performed as a part of Laugh ’99, the annual comedy revue for The University Of Western Ontario, and was reprised for Laugh 2000.

Excerpt:

Luke: (after a small pause) You’ve been doing this for fourteen years? Geez, I would’ve thought you’d have moved on past this little town or something… what ever happened to that, oh… what was her name… that girl you went to the prom with…

Jim: Carrie?

Luke: Yeah, that’s it, Carrie. Whatever happened between you two?

Jim: She was my sister.

Luke: Oh.

Jim: And she’s dead.

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Osama is Hot!

George W. decides to lure Osama bin Laden out of hiding with hot chicks.

This is the first time this sketch is being performed.

Excerpt:

George W.: You see, Sama… Can I call you Sama? You are what we in the American government refer to as a ‘mack’ here in the greatest country in the world.

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Secrets Of the Bible

It's about the Bible.

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Weapons of Mass Destruction

What if the whole conflict in the Mid-east was all a misunderstanding that had been blown way out of proportion? George Bush and Saddam Hussein bicker about what qualifies as a "weapon" of mass destruction.

This is the first time this sketch is being performed.

Excerpt

After Bush claims that he tasted some contraband lint that tasted like uranium:

Weapons Inspector: And what exactly does uranium taste like?

George Bush: It tastes kinda linty.

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Secrets Of the Bible

It's about the Bible.

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Guys Are Jerks

Aaron's attempt to read Siobhan's "signals" goes awry.

Guys are Jerks was written for this show, and is the first piece of sketch comedy ever written by Alison Jutzi. Thanks to the cast for helping with the ending.

Excerpt:

Siobhan: Y'know, Aaron, I always wondered what it'd be like. You and me. Alone. In my bed. Soft music playing, your strong hands caressing me...

Siobhan licks Aaron's fingers, slowly and sensually.

Aaron: Do you want to go to my place?

Siobhan: What?

Aaron: We could go to my place, there's no one there.

Siobhan: (stops licking fingers) Oh, this is embarrassing. Aaron, I think you've got the wrong idea. I was just being friendly. Did you think I was interested? In that way?

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The Bouncer

His name is "S". And you're not on his list.

This was developed from a snobby British character created by James Hartnett. The whole cast is involved in this one.

Excerpt:

Woman: How much is it?

Bouncer: To what?

Woman: To get in.

Bouncer: Right, well if you could make a time machine to take you back to when you were born, and get your parents to raise you so you're not a loser - whatever that time machine costs, that's how much it'll cost you to get in.

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Children's Literature

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” might not apply here.

Children’s Literature has been performed many times before, including Laugh 2001 at The University Of Western Ontario and a controversial appearance on the stage of The Living Arts Centre in Mississauga.

Excerpt:

After Greg has been forced to justify the content of his children's books to an overly hostile chat show host.

Greg: Free speech, let Jimmy Jangles live in the hearts and asses… er, I mean minds of our children… forever! Don’t be a slave, think for yourself… (almost off stage at this point) Buy…. myyyy…. Boooooooooks!

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The Audition

Ronald tries to get signed by a powerful talent agent.

This is the first time this sketch is being performed.

Excerpt:

Norman: Let’s see your pieces.

Ronald: Okay. Well, the first one is from Wild Abandon.

Norman: Wild what? What the fuck is that?

Ronald: You’ve never heard of Wild Abandon?

Norman: What is that: Canadian?

Ronald: Yeah.

Norman: Okay. Do it anyway.

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In The Bleachers

It's America's pastime - making fun of sports icons.

The sketch was the organic creation of one great concept being tossed around by a group of writers stuck for a short piece to fill up a show. After some snappy lines were down on paper, the addition of a character to say them took the conceptually funny bit into hyperspace!

Excerpt:

C: Hey Mullinicks! Don't MULL over whether or not you can hit the ball, cause you can only NICK it!

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Missed Childhood

While the others are waxing nostalgic about 1980's cartoons, Lloyd finds he has a little trouble relating…

Missed Childhood is being performed for the first time and is born out of endless conversations about popular culture circa the mid 1980’s.

Excerpt:

Jameel: Oh, what was that girl’s name?

Patch: Angelica.

Jameel: That’s right, Angelica. She was so hot.

(The others look at him strangely.)

Jameel: You know, for a cartoon chick.

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The Tyrant (film)

Meet Bobby Del Rio, a self-proclaimed "visionary" in his own mind. Take a behind the scenes look at the lengths to which a man must go to inspire his cast to make the grade.

Produced for the "Half Chinx" show, Rob and Mike can no longer decide where the documentary ends and where the mock-umentary begins. We just had an idea about a megalomaniac director and the rest of the script wrote itself. Special thanks to Bobby for having a good sense of humor about the idea, and then firing us.

Excerpt:

Bobby gathers the actors together and has some final words for them during the last reheursal:

Bobby: There’s something I’m not seeing, and I’m not seeing it because you’re not giving it to me. What I’m not seeing here is actors...what I am seeing is a pile of garbage, and the Bobby del Rio doesn’t work with garbage. You’re acting is two-dimensional, now, can anyone here act in the third dimension. Depth people, where’s the depth? I’m getting a lot of length and width, but where’s the depth? Don’t embarrass me, or you’ll never work in this town again.

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Half Chinx Taking Over The World

The Half-Chinx elucidate the realities of the Caucasian invasian…

The world premiere full production of this future pop culture phenomenon. Before its first production, Half-Chinx Taking Over the World was published in the prestigious Canadian Theatre Review, staged off-Broadway in New York City, picked up for a staged reading in Ottawa and set for broadcast on CBC Radio.

The sequel, Half-Chinx Retaking Over the World: The Quest for Kristin Kreuk’s Bootie, is also set for publication in the Vancouver-based magazine RicePaper. It is also set for performance in New York City in mid-late April.

This all happened BEFORE its first production!

Crazy.

Excerpt:

Ying: Let’s be blatant about this.

Yang: Because subtlety has gotten us nowhere.

Ying: We wanna take over the world.

Yang: It’s time. It’s out of our hands now.

Ying: For centuries upon centuries we have watched the white man kill the red man, tie up the black man and make the yellow man build his railroad. This is unacceptable.

Yang: Especially when you consider that the white man really has no reason to be superior in any way.

Ying: They really don’t. I mean most white men have really big heads. Have you noticed that?

Yang: I have noticed that.

Ying: I have noticed that as well. Their heads are huge.

Yang: Way too fucken big for normal human beings.

Ying: And considering the fact that white people’s heads are way too fucken big for their bodies and the fact that they have been in power controlling all the money and the televisions and the newspapers and the government for as long as I can remember and as long as my parents can remember and as long as my parents’ parents can remember-

Yang: And as long as his parents’ parents’ parents can remember, not to mention my own parents-

Ying: Who happen to be the same parents.

Yang: Good point.

Ying: Taking all of this into consideration we have deduced that there is really no other choice but for us to take full control of the world.

Yang: So sorry, it was his idea, I hope you’re not mad.